My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
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79.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Order here:
More here:
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”