I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
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Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.