Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
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On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.