feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
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Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither