“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
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Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.