My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig