Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
You Might Also Like
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.