Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
thanksgiving in nutshell
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
the chicken was already gone when I got here
birds and squirrels envy us
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.