bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx