I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
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GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults