Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
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I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Worth a try
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Spring cleaning checklist…
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun