“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
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Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs