my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
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me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
car not found
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Jogging
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
*skinny dips into black hole