Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
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When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
channeling her this year
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law