me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
Don’t frighten the programmers!
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.