“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
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No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.