Meanwhile in Canada…
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
The booster protects against what, now?
A couple who are silly together stay together.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog