it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
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How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her