Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
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The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Heroic Misunderstanding
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Cigarette: Hey buddy.
Me: I don’t smoke anymore.
Cigarette: But buddy.
Me: NO.
Cigarette: Buddy?
Me: You do make a good point. Fine.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.