I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
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There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.