I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
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Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.