[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
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Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”