I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
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In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
man i love columbo
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood