Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.