Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Choose your fighter
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.