Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
You Might Also Like
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
the three branches of government
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.