AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Who chose this font
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Meth is short for Elizameth.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip