All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
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my retirement plan is braless
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it