Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
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The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no