Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
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Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?