Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
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Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
i hate you platonically
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.