[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
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That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™