Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
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My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Just say no
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too