If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating