Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
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The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Breaking news:
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.