[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
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Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus