Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
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Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
My dress code is business-casualty.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping