I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.