*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
5 ways to appear taller
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.