Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
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2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
o shit
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
I’d rather fork than spoon.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.