I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Breaking news:
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food