A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
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The first matador
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Otters see a butterfly.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.