My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
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I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*