if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
you will never know the true number of layers
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.