Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
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this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
#FunnyLife Insects
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.