Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I have so many questions.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.