Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
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pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
the simulation is moving too fast
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Its a hippotatomus
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.