1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?