You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
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When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
He’s cranky this morning
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?