This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*